Trying to feel like what it is like to be deaf experiment (20th October)

This is an exercise I actually did on my own. Kane was at work and Jack could not make it in so I  decided to be resourceful; I had also purchased ear plugs the previous day on next day delivery and did not want to waist the money. I also feel it is important that both losses are explored and presented equally in our performance. To recreate the feeling of being deaf as much as possible I bought some ear plugs of amazon that actually mould to the shape of your ear. I decided to wear my hair down to cover them so to others I looked normal; this was actually really quite terrifying as I can not lip read or do sign language! One of the other things I was upset about aswell is that if I was walking around outside for an hour without sound, it meant I couldn't listen to music. Most people 'need' music in there life and so I feel if we abuse this in performance, this is something the audience could relate to really missing in day to day life.

I decided to go outside for a walk, purchase something from the shop and have something in the SU where there should be noise surroundings. As soon as I stepped outside I instantly felt quite lonely, scared and isolated; as I didn't have a guide to rely on like when I was blind I was worried I might embarrass myself in front of someone by not understanding what they were saying. Another thing I was aware of is that I could not hear cars. This was quite scary when having to cross roads as although you can see them coming; you rely on them a lot more than you think. I found quite conscious in the shop as I couldn't really hear anything bar slightly muffled music and it literally took me ages to have the confidence to pay for the little chocolate bar I was paying for! I don't know if this is because I felt like a phony or because I knew I wasn't going to be able to have a conversation with her though. At all times during these two experiments I wanted to make sure everyone was being completely respectful! I just smiled said Hi and then kept my head down. I found it strange walking around being unable to listen to music; I felt like I was in my own world with just me and my thoughts. It wasn't that it was massively unpleasant it just made me feel very isolated.

When in the SU this was only amplified, I managed to get a cup of tea with the same nervousness as before but found I just isolated myself and sat in the corner. Although people learn to overcome this language barrier slightly, you can visually see and feel the impact this lack of communication has. It's like your looking up onto everyone else through water. I then walked home and felt the afternoon feeling quite low. Louise said people often overlook sensory loss and say that she is lucky not to be in a wheelchair. I can't even imagine how difficult it has to live with either or. I really hope that in our piece we can make the audience feel this emotional impact so that it causes empathy and not sympathy. The results of these two exercises have not just aided in the classroom but will also stay with me for the rest of my life!

Bibliography 

• Cronshaw, A. (2015). Review: Golem at HOME, Manchester. The Manchester Evening News. [online] Available at: http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/theatre-news/review-golem-at-home-manchester-10220839 [Accessed 12 Oct. 2015].
• Festspiele, S. (2015). FestspielFenster: Suzanne Andrade über „Golem". [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jz2Gmq0fAis [Accessed 12 Oct. 2015].
• Glendinning, A. 2015. Serial Killer dubbed 'The Pusher' is killing city's gay men by pushing them into canal's, says author. The Mirror [online]. Available from: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/serial-killer-dubbed-the-pusher-6318233 [Accessed August 28, 2015].
• Hesketh, S. and Pye, D. 2015. EXCLUSIVE: 'Find out who killed our sons!' New canal death sparks fears The Pusher's back. Daily Star [online]. Available from: http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/424390/Manchester-canal-Pusher-killer-students-deaths-tragic-parents-find-murderer [Accessed August 16, 2015]. 
• Johnstone, K. 1979. 'Impro' Improvisation and Theatre. Great Britain: Methuen Drama.
• McAuley, G. 1999. Space in performance. Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press.
• Malerman, J. 2014. BirdBox. London: HarperVoyager.
• Marshall, L. 2002. The body speaks. New York: Palgrave Macmillan.
• No Author, 2015. 'The Pusher' 60 bodies dragged from Manchester Canal, Serial Killer Rumoured. RT Question More [online]. Available from: https://www.rt.com/uk/222655-serial-killer-manchester-canals/ [Accessed August 15, 2015].
• Rhys, E. (2015). Golem, HOME. [online] The Manchester Review. Available at: http://www.themanchesterreview.co.uk/?p=5099 [Accessed 12 Oct. 2015].
• Rodgers, T. 2015. The Pusher: Channel 4 documentary to investigate Manchester canal 'Serial Killer' claim. Salford News [online]. Available from: http://salfordonline.com/6621-the-pusher-channel-4-documentary-to-investigate-manchester-canal-serial-killer-claim.html [Accessed August 24, 2015].
• Warnervoduk. 2014. The science of sleep. [Online]. [Date Accessed: 13th October, 2015]. Available from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TibGeB7NHIo
• Wheatstone, R. 2015. 'The Pusher' professor stands by canal serial killer claims and says bereaved families share his fears. Manchester Evening News [online]. Available from: http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/the-pusher-professor-stands-canal-8450695 [Accessed August 15, 2015]. 

Trying to feel like what it is like to blind experiment. (19th October)

To really immerse ourselves into the performance process we decided it was important for us to experience, feel and then document what it was like to be blind. We decided that, as Sarah is currently in hospital (ironically with eye problems), that one person in the group would be blindfolded, one person guiding and then the other writing down all the notes, thoughts and experiences of person blindfolded. One thing to note is that, although this exercise is useful, it doesn't compare to actually being blind at all as we can simply take off the mask.

Kane went first and I began by guiding him through the Adelphi building, what was interesting to observe was that he became extremely aware of heat. His other senses seemed to be become more sensitive to compensate for the loss of his sight and he could sense where the sun was shining through the windows or when there was a draft or cooler section near a door. At one point, Kane got very angry when me and Jack said the chair is over there; where is there? He noted, that, for him personally, we were being very insensitive and just needed to describe better where things were. I do remember also this is something Louise stated in her interview. As my best friend at in primary was blind, this hit me quite hard as I wondered if she had felt the same with me. Kane also had a mini breakdown on the stairs and found it really scary when we got outside with all the noise. He actually point blanc refused to cross the road blind with me and Jack. I tried to say that this is a massive part of the experiment and if he was blind he would have to do just do it and he couldn't. It is funny how the trust in each other differed between each individual person. 

Next up, we had Jack become blind. Jack was quite amusing as he is very blunt about what he is feeling; it gave a different perspective on situations. Where as Kane was very illustrative which his language, Jack remained more blunt and factual. For example, we asked how he felt and he replied with "I feel sad", we then asked why and he said "because I am blind". He didn't feel like the food he tried tasted different but he said he did feel like it was warmer and cooler at different points. 

As we were running short on time, we then decided that I should have a go. The first thing that upset me was that at the traffic lights, a guy who I had feelings for and recently embarrassed myself in front of, kane said was across the road and laughing at me. I didn't know if he was or wasn't and felt extremely humiliated and nearly even started crying. I literally spent the rest of the walk consumed with anxious thoughts and worries. I felt very violated as my vulnerability had taken advantage of. I see why the lads did it, as it was something noted in Louise's interview, however if you can never really see; you never know what is true or not.  I actually had no issue with Kane and Jack when they walked me across the road, however, it was really disorientating with the noise as cars felt a lot closer and faster than they actually were. All sounds also seemed to be louder and overriding each other. What was funny is that, even though I did not bump Kane into anything, he was to afraid to get me across the road. Then Jack and Kane bumped me into lamposts, walls and metal boxes on the street 4 times and I still carried on. 

As I walked back down to Adelphi, a girl came over and started talking to Kane. She introduced herself to Jack and I, but as I was blind, I had no idea on how on when to respond to her or how to speak during the conversation. I didn't know whether to be laughing, look serious and felt totally isolated from the rest of the group. The only cue I had to go off on how to respond was her voice. She also went to shake my hand and had to find it; I laughed it off but inside felt very embarrassed about it. I hadn't even thought before that most of the language we speak is actually done through our facial expressions and body language; we shape so much meaning around how people speak and use there words. When this is taken from you it leaves you very isolated and in your own world. You feel extremely vulnerable and scared to communicate, I think this is definitely something we need to touch on during our performance.  Aside this, like the others I did feel a stronger sense of heat, textures and sound. Your other senses to start to accommodate for the lack of sight. 

Overall, I feel this exercise was extremely useful. I found it quite stressful but it really highlighted elements I hadn't even thought would be a problem, for example saying Hello to a new person! I think in our performance focussing on the vulnerability you feel with a sensory loss is definitely something we need to touch on. 

Bibliography 

• Cronshaw, A. (2015). Review: Golem at HOME, Manchester. The Manchester Evening News. [online] Available at: http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/theatre-news/review-golem-at-home-manchester-10220839 [Accessed 12 Oct. 2015].
• Festspiele, S. (2015). FestspielFenster: Suzanne Andrade über „Golem". [video] Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jz2Gmq0fAis [Accessed 12 Oct. 2015].
• Glendinning, A. 2015. Serial Killer dubbed 'The Pusher' is killing city's gay men by pushing them into canal's, says author. The Mirror [online]. Available from: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/serial-killer-dubbed-the-pusher-6318233 [Accessed August 28, 2015].
• Hesketh, S. and Pye, D. 2015. EXCLUSIVE: 'Find out who killed our sons!' New canal death sparks fears The Pusher's back. Daily Star [online]. Available from: http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/424390/Manchester-canal-Pusher-killer-students-deaths-tragic-parents-find-murderer [Accessed August 16, 2015]. 
• Johnstone, K. 1979. 'Impro' Improvisation and Theatre. Great Britain: Methuen Drama.
• McAuley, G. 1999. Space in performance. Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press.
• Malerman, J. 2014. BirdBox. London: HarperVoyager.
• Marshall, L. 2002. The body speaks. New York: Palgrave Macmillan.
• No Author, 2015. 'The Pusher' 60 bodies dragged from Manchester Canal, Serial Killer Rumoured. RT Question More [online]. Available from: https://www.rt.com/uk/222655-serial-killer-manchester-canals/ [Accessed August 15, 2015].
• Rhys, E. (2015). Golem, HOME. [online] The Manchester Review. Available at: http://www.themanchesterreview.co.uk/?p=5099 [Accessed 12 Oct. 2015].
• Rodgers, T. 2015. The Pusher: Channel 4 documentary to investigate Manchester canal 'Serial Killer' claim. Salford News [online]. Available from: http://salfordonline.com/6621-the-pusher-channel-4-documentary-to-investigate-manchester-canal-serial-killer-claim.html [Accessed August 24, 2015].
• Warnervoduk. 2014. The science of sleep. [Online]. [Date Accessed: 13th October, 2015]. Available from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TibGeB7NHIo
• Wheatstone, R. 2015. 'The Pusher' professor stands by canal serial killer claims and says bereaved families share his fears. Manchester Evening News [online]. Available from: http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/the-pusher-professor-stands-canal-8450695 [Accessed August 15, 2015].