New Idea's. (23rd November)

Unfortunatly, over the weekend I appeared to catch a stomach bug and on the Monday was still recovering from this. I felt horrendous but knew I absolutely needed to be in for my group. They met up at 11am and I managed to haul myself for about 2pm. I apologized on the group message and said I would do the best I could throughout the session to participate.

When I arrived, everyone was sat down working on a piece of text. Niki had suggested, earlier that day in a meeting, that the group should write a piece of narrative exploring the inside of blind person's brain when mapping the space. For example, "take two steps forward etc". There was a bit of tension over this idea as Sarah seemed enthusiastic about it, Kane didn't like it and Jack seemed a bit none plus. As I felt so ill I was finding it difficult to have the energy to interject. When Niki came back in the room to see what we had been working on, we decided to show her the bit we had come up with the day before behind the curtains.

Her interpretation was that she got the theory of what we were doing but also didn't think it was fully there. How could we make it more performative? Can we make it less obvious for the audience so that they have find out for themselves what we are doing? We need to actually make it into something. Niki then ran behind the curtains and started saying "Hello" and calling out to us. We started to respond and there seemed to be a nice dialogue between us. Rules were then implemented such as asking the questions like "where are you now?" and "How do you know".

Our conversations went off in a tangent from the McDoland's in Salford to being in someone's flat. I liked the fact that this kind of looks at now only how we map and navigate ourselves; but also how we remember places. Often smells can be a trigger for memories as well as imagery and noise. Niki then left us with this foundation block to develop for the rest of the afternoon.

Focussing on this theme of exposure - and based upon part of Amy and Louise's interview where they said they felt excluded from others - Niki started walking with us talking as a group. All our arms were touching as we 'flocked' around the space. As I was struggling physically, I did find it difficult to keep up with the others conversation and walking; ironically. Niki then walked round with her hands over her eyes. She tried to catch up with us and join in the conversation saying things like "What was that again? I can't hear you sorry!", "Oh Costa, I love Costa, I went there the other day with my mum and we got a gingerbread spiced latte". It was truly, truly heartbreaking. I think as I have had experience with this I actually did find this really upsetting. This is a very positive thing though as I knew it would then have an emotional impact on the audience. Niki then said "Oh I'm coming guys" and ended up walking off into the curtains. I think what made this so effective was the vulnerability that Niki brought. She was completely opening herself up, kindly, and was just shut off and didn't even exist to the other people. Emotionally, I feel this is the strongest and most gut wrenching part of the performance.

Niki then left us to work on and play with these two new performance concepts. We carried on with the 'flocking' scene after she left the room and decided, as Sarah has recently had a very scary experience with her sight that she would be best to take on this role. As a group, it was put forward that it would be a good idea to have a narrative run over the top explaining what it feels like to be in the position when you loose your sight. Sarah was going to write this at home.

After this, Sarah and Jack started writting the 'Hello' scene. I went downstairs to grab a sugary drink as had the shakes. When I went to put the money in the machine rolled underneath and I could't get one. As I hadn't managed to stomach anything all day due to me recovering from a bug I just burst into tears. I ended up sorting myself out in the toilet but when I went upstairs I ended up just breaking down in front of everyone. It was really unprofessional and embarrassing. They all dealt with me very well; I think I was, and am, just emotionally and physically run dry of energy. I was doing everything I could around the rehearsals to look after myself but nothing seemed to be working; things just seemed to be to overwhelming for me.  My GP is in Middlesbrough at home so I have been trying to do it all alone. In the space of 5 weeks I had lost 4 banks cards and my phone due to tiredness. What I should have done, and will do in the future is actually ask for some support outside the classroom. The fact I didn't seek help did put the group at a disadvantage also. None the less, today's rehearsal did go well and I loved our new material to work on.

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